Phoenix
by thepixiesmademedoit
Summary: Three months on from the events surrounding Isaak Sidorov and memories continue to haunt. But even in the darkest of places light can still be found, rising up out of the ashes of what was once thought destroyed.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so this is only going to be a short story, just a couple of chapters, and is my take on the whole post Sidorov situation.  
Many thanks to everyone who chooses to read and review, it really is appreciated. I hope you enjoy!**

** My eternal and biggest thanks go to Mel (AKA imahistorian) for every ounce of kindness and support in writing this. You are, as ever, my one gal cheering squad! I hope there are none among you who are missing out on her fantastic story Feel the Tide - get reading(after reading this!) if you are! **

* * *

From high in the Los Angeles sky the golden sun shone warm and bright, igniting the sky and creating fresh colours within the rich blue immediately encompassing it. Without a cloud to cast shadow beneath its rays the temperature had climbed easily into the 80's, and as he stood still beneath its amazing glow Marty Deeks couldn't stop from shivering.

A chill had grasped at his chest sending a rash of goose bumps out across his body and he could hear the quickened rhythm of his heart beat loudly in his ears. Drawing in an almost desperate gasp of air he could feel the memories begin their assault once more.

He had flinched, he knew that. Physically flinched, and over nothing more than the noise emanating from a child's toy. And now as colours and sounds released into his senses he found himself rooted to the spot, unable to free himself from a swirling fog of memories so desperately unwanted.

It had been three months since he had suffered the actual event of those memories. Three months since he had burst into Sidorov's compound with neither thought nor consideration for anything other than Sam's immediate survival. Even thoughts of Kensi, the kiss he had just surprised them both with and the conversations that would need to follow, were pushed firmly from his mind by the desperate determination he felt in getting to his team mate.

Some might suggest his actions had bordered upon reckless, although there could be no doubt that they had prevented Sam from ending his life at the bottom of that swimming pool. However, those same actions had also exposed the increasingly fragile truth behind their identities, leaving neither of their lives certain of a future.

Acts of torture had soon followed in a brutal struggle for information. Sam and Deeks had fought hard, steadfast in their determination to protect the identities and lives of those most precious to them, whilst Sidorov had made increasingly desperate moves to extract anything tangible from them one way or another. The mental anguish of being forced to watch, to listen to each other was, in some ways, almost equal to the physical pain which Sidorov's men seemed highly proficient at applying. But only almost.

Forcibly transported in his mind, Deeks found himself back in that place and time once again. Without his consent, without knowing why, and without any ability to stop it.

It was the firm weight of Sam's hand upon his shoulder, a gentle squeeze of reassurance its accompaniment, which brought him back to the present, though more suddenly than he would have liked. Uncertain of his surroundings and unable to trust his senses through the thorough merging of past and present his mind was performing, Deeks stepped quickly and defensively from Sam's touch. Then, as if awakening, he slowly took in the street, the buildings, the beach, and the man standing beside him.

A determined shake of his fair hair, a double handed rub of his face, Sam watched the detective as the fingers on his right hand remained in place upon his jaw unconsciously running its length.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Deeks answered quickly, taking a second purposeful step away from the senior agent. "I'm fine."

"I never thought I'd say this, but you've spent too much time with Kensi. 'Fine'? Really?"

"What do you want, Sam?"

Sam didn't reply with any immediacy, taking a few moments to observe the man before him and choose the type of response he should offer. The tone behind the detective's question was hard to miss but this, it seemed, was the Deeks they all were having to deal with more recently. Defensive, quick tempered, increasingly without humour.

Sam nodded. "I was coming to get a sandwich," he answered evenly. "Same as you."

"You could have just rung me, Sam. I would have picked one up for you."

"Well maybe I was also looking for an excuse to get out for a bit," he suggested gently, the gaze of his dark eyes never wavering from the blue of Deeks'. "Away from the office, away from my partner." Pause. "Ten minutes in the day where I'm not trying to act like everything is back to normal, and I'm okay."

Averting his gaze to his feet, Deeks took in a deep breath, swallowed down the lump in his throat and let out a long sigh. Turning in place he began to walk away from Sam but without any visible intention of leaving him behind, and he felt a combination of both frustration and relief when he silently followed.

The streets of Santa Monica were busy as usual, and the opportunity for Deeks to simply become lost amongst the mass of strangers was tempting. But did he really want to become more lost than he already was?

Pulling open the door to the nearby deli a few minutes later, Deeks pulled two bottles of water from the chiller cabinet before he and Sam placed their orders at the counter. Taking a seat while they waited for their sandwiches Deeks passed one of the bottles of water to Sam, then opened his own and began to drink, the cool water quenching the dryness and washing away the bitter taste of adrenaline which had been left in his mouth from only minutes earlier.

"How many times has that happened?"

Deeks paused, stopping himself from allowing the attitude-filled reply of, "Has what happened?" to pass his lips. Sam had offered up a piece of himself in open honesty, and although Deeks was fully aware of the undercurrent of expectation which accompanied this sharing, he still found himself grateful for it.

"That was the fourth," he admitted, unable to meet the agent's gaze.

Sam gave a brief nod, sipping at his own water. "This a recent thing?"

"Last couple of weeks," he murmured, scratching at his cheek before taking another mouthful of water.

"Any idea what might have triggered it?"

Deeks nodded, his eyes shifting to the large window at the front of the deli and the Pacific Ocean which filled and consumed the furthest point away from them.

"Couple of kids were throwing one of those footballs with the holes in the side. You throw it hard enough and high enough and it makes this high-pitched whistle. Kind of sounds like-"

"Yeah, I have a pretty good idea of what it sounds like," Sam interrupted, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and taking a longer drink from his bottle. That noise was one he would forever have seared into his own memory. "I hear it too sometimes," he admitted softly. "Hidden in the everyday things."

"Power saw."

"Food blender."

Deeks paused, digesting and accepting these fresh admissions, then with a small smile he responded.

"Well that's not good for a man who loves his smoothies."

A smile stretched at Sam's lips, mirroring the one produce by the LAPD detective. "And believe me I've been cursing you for it daily."

"Why now, Sam?" he asked, his eyes now willingly focused on those of the agent sat opposite him, almost searching him in hope of an answer to what was happening to him. "It's been three months and I was doing okay. I got left with a few bad dreams and an eternal hatred of dentists, but I was doing okay. And now..." he let the sentence trail away momentarily as he considered the truth behind his words. 'Okay' was such a pejorative term, no different than the 'fine' which Kensi often used. He always knew the truth behind that 'fine', and perhaps it was the same truth behind his 'okay'.

"And now... I really don't know. I wanted to be okay, I thought I was okay," he continued, a steady stream of emotion seeping through into his words. "I really want to be okay, Sam."

"But you're not, man," Sam told him softly, his voice hovering barely above a whisper. "Haven't been for a while. And that actually is okay."

The delivery of their lunch orders to the table brought temporary halt to their conversation. Moving from the cool interior of the deli back into the bright rays of the mid-day sunshine, Deeks could feel his skin begin to warm, drawing heat back into his body and allowing him to shake the slightly haunted feeling he had been left with. Not yet ready to make an immediate return to the office Deeks wondered towards a nearby bench and sat down. Watching as Sam followed suit, he couldn't help but feel, perhaps for the first time in their relationship, fully understood by the senior agent. Sam wasn't pushing him, wasn't judging him, wasn't asking for anything in return other than that which he had offered up himself. Honesty.

"It doesn't make you weak, you know?" Sam told him, his voice and tone remaining calm in his suggestion.

"It doesn't feel that way."

"You're not less of a detective, less of a man, or less a part of our team because you're going through this, Deeks."

"No, I'm less because of what I feel like I lost when this started," he replied, leaning forward until his forearms rested atop his legs. "Because of what I feel like it's taking from me."

"And what's that?"

"Me," he responded simply. "And the more time passes, the less of me I think there is to find. And I don't know where to start looking."

Sam swallowed hard at the open, honest words he had just been presented with, hearing the despair and fear laced amongst them. It was a tone, a sentiment he had never wanted to hear from any of his friends and team mates, that feeling of being so irrevocably lost inside the darkness of your own head, unable to find a way back into the light.

There were some in life who suited the darkness, who could embrace and take comfort from all it touched, but that wasn't Deeks. Deeks was someone who thrived in the light, to the point where it almost seemed as if he could produce it for others to bask in. It was the reason he worked so well as part of their team, it was the reason he worked so well with Kensi. He balanced them. And for some time now they had all felt the scales tipping and the light gradually dimming. Particularly Kensi.

"Start by looking at me," he offered, noting as Deeks turned his head towards him in curiosity. "Look at Callen and Hetty, Eric and Nell. Look at Kensi and see how she looks at you. We know who you are and none of us are going to let you just slip away."

Nodding his acceptance briefly before lowering his head into his hands, Deeks remained silent as the words of support settled deep within him. In some ways he felt the urge to fight against Sam, to roughly push away his reassurances and hand out blame for all that had happened to bring him to this point right now. But to what end? By pointing fingers at others, by yelling, by shouting, by throwing his badge on Hetty's desk and running away, the facts would still remain as they currently were. He couldn't erase the past, he knew that better than anyone.

At seeing Deeks' head lower, sensing the surge and swirl of emotions playing out within him, Sam sat back on the bench and purposely focused his attention on anything but the man beside him. Remembering the freshly made sandwich sitting next to him he opened it up and began to eat, content to allow his friend all the time he required.

It was several more minutes before the LAPD detective lifted his head, followed by the rest of his upper body and cautiously took in and reminded himself of his surroundings. A glance over at Sam as he worked his way through his turkey salad sub reminded Deeks of his own food and he too began to eat, watching as the world around them simply carried on.

"I feel like I should be stronger."

Sam swallowed roughly, his eyebrows rising, surprised by the detective's words. Spoken quietly, spoken thoughtfully, they carried a small measure of defeat about them and an even greater one of guilt.

"Than what?" Sam asked incredulously, turning his head towards the younger man. "Than who?"

Deeks opened his mouth to reply, but no words immediately offered themselves to him as an uneven shrug rippled across his shoulders.

"Than _this_," he managed, the emotion returning to his voice. "I think about what you went through, I think about everything that... everything that happened," he paused momentarily, his food taking on a less palatable taste as the memories seemed to surge and recede like the single lap of a wave. Looking over at his friend he couldn't help but put voice to a particular question, because right now he felt like he needed the answer. "How are you still standing?"

A smile stretched wide on Sam's face, a mirthless chuckle quickly following as he lowered his sandwich back down onto the bench beside him and leaned forward onto his legs mirroring Deeks' earlier position.

"I'm on my feet, Deeks," he began, all humour gently fading. "But I'm not sure it's the same as still being standing."

Sam paused, rubbing a large hand over his mouth and jaw as Deeks remained quiet, offering back the same patience and time his friend had given to him. He couldn't help but notice the tension across Sam's shoulders, the small, sharp shifts in his posture indicating his discomfort as well as the frown he now turned to him with.

"I still have nightmares," he continued, his voice low, his gaze losing most of its earlier confidence and conviction. "And when they happen they're powerful and consuming... and they leave me feeling scared. They're just rarely about me."

"Michelle?"

Sam nodded. "Michelle, my kids... what would have happened if he'd gotten to them instead?" Pause. "Every time it happens I end up spending the next two nights sleeping on the floor of my kids' room, just so I can convince myself that they're safe. And to remind me in the morning why I keep going back to work when I know I might be in the same position again some time."

"You know you're making me look pretty shallow and self-absorbed right about now."

"If you were that shallow and self-absorbed, Deeks, I'd have drowned in the bottom of that swimming pool and you'd still have all your teeth."

Deeks couldn't help it. Despite the swirl of un-tempered emotions and the seriousness of their conversation, he laughed. Emanating from deep within him, he could feel it gently shake at his shoulders and vibrate through his chest, and it felt good. Looking over at Sam he could see the former SEAL's expression alter and warm until the edges of his eyes crinkled and he too released a much needed laugh of his own.

"I didn't mean it to sound quite like that," Sam tried to explain, his hands roughly gesturing, but his smile still firmly in place.

"Don't worry about it," Deeks responded, shaking his head in amusement, before reaching over and patting his team mate on the shoulder. "And thank you. I appreciate it."

Time passed in companionable silence as Sam and Deeks finished their lunch, each man happy to remain within their own thoughts for a short while.

Standing from the bench, and with a short roll of one shoulder then the other, Sam deposited his rubbish in the bin just a few feet away before turning back to the detective.

"You ready?"

Deeks nodded slowly, accepting with a frown what was surely due to come next.

"Do they know?" he asked as he stood, apprehension clear in his voice.

"They know you're not you, but after that?" Sam completed the sentence with a shrug. "They're worried about you." Pause. "Especially Kensi."

"Yeah," he responded softly, his eyes narrowing as his gaze searched the horizon. "Yeah, I know."

"You're not protecting her by pushing her away."

Deeks looked around sharply at Sam's words. Although his voice had remained soft and even, no different from the rest of their conversation, Deeks detected an undercurrent of warning in his tone.

"You're not protecting either of you," he added more pointedly. "All it's going to lead to is more hurt, and after everything you two have been through together, I don't think either of you need or deserve that."

Deeks sighed deeply, a frown only adding further creases to the skin around his eyes where they remained narrowed in thought.

"There's more to it than just this," he began firmly, almost defensively, as he tried to explain without actually having to explain. "It's-"

"Complicated?" Sam suggested dryly, his eyebrow hooked in emphasis. "Tell me something I don't already-"

"I kissed her, Sam."

Everything that was Sam Hanna stilled in that moment. So stunned by the detective's sudden announcement his only movement came from a second eyebrow rising high upon his forehead in utter surprise to join the first.

Rubbing his face once more and pushing his long fingers through his messy hair, Deeks turned away from his friend before stepping in a short circle around to his left before coming to a halt in his original position. He'd said it now. It was out in the open, and like the kiss itself, there was no taking it back.

"We were all dealing with the Sidorov situation," he started softly, bringing his arms in from their comparatively satellite position and crossing them firmly, protectively, about his chest. "Kensi and I were running surveillance on you and Michelle, and when Michelle left the compound Kensi went to follow. As she left she made some comment about me having poor communication skills, about me never saying what I really mean." Pause. "And I reacted."

"Damn!" Sam murmured, lingering surprise still evident in his tone.

"Damn?" Deeks asked incredulously. "I tell you I kissed my partner and all you got for me is, 'Damn'?"

"Well that and, 'Your timing sucks'."

Closing his eyes and releasing a brief breath of hollow laughter, Deeks couldn't help but agree.

"Tell me about it. Kensi left to follow Michelle and five minutes later I was fishing you out of the swimming pool," he continued, his fingers reaching up once more to rub at his jaw. "We never talked about it. Not properly. And now I feel like the guy who did that isn't even here any more, that maybe he got left behind in that chair." Pause. "I'm not him any more. I hate that she sees that so clearly and I don't know how to stop pushing her away from it all."

Nodding slowly Sam's own eyes narrowed and his gaze shifted along with his feet. Memories buried deep within him stirred and stretched, gently tugging at wounds long thought healed and forgotten. He recognised so clearly what Deeks was describing. He could feel it tighten his chest and prickle at his skin, so versed was he in the power of those feelings. Those feelings so strong, that urge so compelling, to push away the one person who means the most, for fear of them having to witness the tattered remains of who you'd become.

"You talk to her," he told him simply. "You talk to her just like you're talking to me. Instead of pushing her away you pull her close, and you put your trust in the strength of everything you have together. Whatever that is. If anyone really knows who you are, knows the man beneath all the layers, then it's _her_." Pause. "And believe me, having someone who loves you, someone who can see through all the darkness... into the heart of the man you feel nothing but an echo of... and can show you your true self," Pause. "That's like..." Sam swallowed noticeably, a rare show of emotion flowing steadily into his words as he turned to Deeks and held firm his gaze. "That's your anchor right there. That's what can make you whole again."

Deeks remained quiet, his blue eyes intense, entranced by all that Sam had just told him. It hadn't just been words, spoken idly and without care, or non-specific sentiment simply moulded and shaped to fit the occasion. It had been neither presumption nor supposition, but rather the deep and honest sharing of memories. Memories which clearly still had the power to evoke a potent mix of thoughts and feelings.

As he took in and appreciated all that he and Sam had entrusted to each other in the previous hour, Deeks found himself gently nodding, though more to himself than his team mate. They had been through so much together at the hands of Isaak Sidorov, whereupon they had been forced into sharing the most harrowing of experiences. Choice had not been an option, it had been taken away and destroyed in those moments leaving both of them bare and exposed. But here that wasn't the case, and the decision to share now lay firmly within their own grasp. They only had to hear what the other allowed, and if there was ever a time to stop and listen to each other then they had found it here together.

"So where do I go from here? What comes next?"

"Next comes Hetty," Sam answered, a small crease forming between his dark eyes. "I wouldn't be surprised if she pulls some strings and gets you in to see someone straight away, so you might want to be prepared for that."

Running a hand up into his hair, Deeks idly scratched the side of his head. "Yeah, well I think we both know what they're going to tell me when I get there."

"Maybe. But the diagnosis isn't what matters." Sam returned, his tone gently emphatic. "It's about how you turn it all around. It's about how you recover."

Nodding slowly, the beginnings of a smile stretching at his lips, Deeks released a long breath.

"Yeah. Yeah, it is," he agreed, and with long, purposeful strides and his friend at his side, he made his way back to the office.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**A huge 'Thank You' to everyone who read, reviewed and alerted following the first chapter, it is truly appreciated. I was really surprised by the response and hope you enjoy this chapter too!**

**Biggest thanks, as always, go to the amazing Mel (aka imahistorian) for all of her patience and support. Couldn't do it without you, my friend!**

* * *

Pinching the bridge of her nose then rubbing at her right eye, Kensi settled her long fingers at her cheek, her jaw sitting firmly in her palm as a yawn fought its way through to release. Staring at her computer screen and then to the open file sat untouched for several minutes she struggled against the feeling of tired that seemed to be pulling at every part of her. This feeling, so increasingly weighted, seemed to have been with her for far too long now and try as she might she couldn't shake it. It had been following her, like a progressively darkening cloud, for weeks and as much as she hated to admit that its presence was due to the influence of another person, she couldn't deny the truth of it. Not any longer.

Deeks' moods had been dominating their partnership since he and Sam had been pulled from the cruel and vicious clutches of Sidorov and his men just over three months ago.

The immediate aftermath had been a heady mixture of over-powering emotions which had turned every member of their team upside down and inside out. Each of them had been forced to travel a path they feared on some level and none of them had found it easy to step from that path and move on from it once more. That journey would forever be with them. None more so than for Sam and Deeks.

Enveloping her partner within her embrace upon finding him, Kensi hadn't wanted to let go, even for a second, for fear that she would awake from a dream and the nightmare would still be ongoing. She had needed that physical contact. That precious confirmation of his presence, his existence, his life. And it had meant everything and more.

In the hours which had followed, tears had been shed. Agonising tears of pain and fear that wrenched and tore at the soul as well as the heart. Words had initially sounded hollow, each one like a pebble flung without care or aim into the dark depths of a well. But from each pebble echoes had rebounded back over them, and nestled within those reflections the same words were heard with different tone and meaning.

Honesty had been hard to deny, though there were still some things which remained unsaid, despite their implied intonation. It all seemed so unimportant in the grand scheme of Deeks' very survival, and so the elephant was permitted to remain in the room, though slightly more tempered than before.

Time moved on and for a short while Kensi had naively allowed herself to believe that Deeks had begun to move on as well. Though fewer and with less regularity, his smiles and jokes remained in place, and the gentle, easy banter they had always indulged in seemed to have just about survived too. However, with each passing day a new edge of seriousness seemed to also be taking a foothold in his personality, and slowly but surely it began chipping away at all of it.

Feeling as if she were gradually being pushed away, Kensi had fought to keep Deeks in her grasp, but each attempt only seemed to leave her standing further away than before. His continued insistence that he was 'Okay', struck clean through her heart as she recognised her own need for emotional control being thrown straight back at her.

Memories clearly haunted and Kensi could see what was happening, and what road was being started down. She didn't need confirmation of any kind, she just knew. She'd been here before and she could read the signs.

Standing from her desk and moving towards the break room in hopes that more caffeine might assist her immediate plight, Kensi turned just in time to see Deeks and Sam re-enter the office together. A brief glance in her direction from Deeks, a momentary locking of his eyes to hers, told her something was about to take place. But it was the clear tinge of regret and sadness that she couldn't quite account for which sent an ache straight to her chest.

Checking her watch she noted how long Deeks and Sam had actually been gone, which additionally served in confirming how long she had been sat at her desk, lost within her own thoughts. And now as she watched as her two team mates cut a purposeful path over towards Hetty's desk, Kensi couldn't keep the feelings of dread from her mind.

Although unable to hear the words which were being shared around Hetty's desk, Kensi couldn't stop herself from watching, hoping to read from their lips even the smallest amount of information. However, with both Sam and Deeks facing away from her and Hetty doing very little of the talking, there wasn't much she could decipher.

Frustrations rose in Kensi and the sting of hot tears in the corners of her eyes only further emphasised the toll this whole situation was taking on her. She couldn't bear the growing distances between herself and Deeks for much longer, to have him within fingertip reach, yet feel as if it were a continent separating them. But without his willing consent she had no means to close the chasm, and she hated that more than anything else right then.

Abandoning her coffee mug on her desk, Kensi forced herself to move, to stop herself from watching what she was not invited to join, and to give herself time to reel back in the emotions she could feel bubbling just millimetres below the surface and threatening her composure.

With a brief stop in the armoury to collect additional clips for her SIG Kensi made her way from the bullpen and onto the firing range. Ear defenders and safety glasses in place, she planted her feet, raised her weapon and for the next ten minutes let off an almost continuous hail storm of shots. It was cathartic in that it only allowed for her to focus on that one task. It calmed the storm in her mind and flattened out the waves which rippled out from it. But then as she lowered her gun down to the bench once more a reflection in the side panelling of the booth caught her attention. Turning her head and removing her glasses she took in the sight of her partner leaning back against the door, a turbulent mix of emotions covering his face, a slightly defeated slant angling his shoulders.

"Hey," she began, pulling the ear defenders from her head also. "You okay?"

Gazing over at Kensi, at the sincerity of her expression and the concern etched fully and wholly into her chocolate brown eyes, Deeks could feel cracks and fissures begin to form in the dam he had so desperately been trying to maintain. Because that was the ultimate question, wasn't it? Was he okay? He had spent so much time over the last three months pushing Kensi away, holding her at a distance that neither of them felt happy about, and all he'd done was cause more hurt.

Kensi deserved more from him; she deserved answers to what was going on; she _needed _those answers, and perhaps Deeks now needed her to hear them. But more importantly right then, Deeks knew he just simply needed _her._

"Deeks?" Kensi questioned softly, taking a tentative step towards her partner.

Swallowing hard he could feel the most hard fought of his emotions stir. Not quietly, not gently, but as a single cacophony surging up and out of his chest as one. A frown formed in deep creases across his forehead, narrowing his eyes as he pulled in a long breath that failed to bring him the control he had wished for. Tears stung and immediately fell from his ocean blue eyes and as he tried to speak he found his voice no longer willing to aid him. Shaking his head firmly from side to side, Deeks couldn't say it any other way, and at seeing his tears mirrored in the fall of Kensi's he knew there was nothing missing from her understanding of what he was trying to convey.

"Deeks, come here," she whispered, struggling to form the words in a louder voice as she stepped towards him. "Please, just come here."

Pushing himself tiredly away from the door, Deeks took two tentative paces before being enveloped fiercely in Kensi's warm embrace. The feel of her arms wrapped tightly about his neck, the light touch of her nose to the soft skin at the juncture of his shoulder, the press of her slender body so willingly and firmly against his own, allowed Deeks to feel safe in a way he had almost forgotten existed. With his own arms wrapped securely about Kensi's body, his right hand curled around her ribs, his left around her shoulder, he found himself pulling Kensi as close as possible and just letting her be who he needed her to be. His anchor.

Burying his face in her hair, Deeks became quickly immersed in one of the most familiar scents he knew, and the calm it created was even more effective than the ocean waves he usually relied so heavily upon. The thick lump in his throat began to gradually dissolve away, and as he lifted his head to speak Kensi leaned back also, her dark eyes soft and patient, ready to accept whatever words he might offer.

"I'm not okay, Kens," he murmured, determined to hold her gaze as he spoke, determined to convey all the truth and honesty he'd kept hidden for far too long.

Kensi nodded as a single tear slipped silently down her cheek.

"I know," she whispered back, bringing her right hand to settle on his face. Tracing a line with her thumb across his cheekbone she remembered the bruises and the blood which had coloured and stained his face so horrifyingly, and she knew in some ways they still remained. Perhaps only seen by him, perhaps only seen by her, but right there as a non-visible symbol of all that still needed to heal.

"I haven't been okay for a while," he continued, his voice gaining in strength but not volume. "There are nights when I barely sleep, and when I do the dreams... the nightmares," he corrected then took pause as he considered his next words. "Well they never really left. At least not for long. And now..."

Feelings of guilt and shame tore at Deeks, threatening to overwhelm. For all that he had hidden, for all that he was currently revealing and for all that he was forcing Kensi to now endure. Again. Backing out and away from Kensi's touch, needing to feel the freedom of the space around him, Deeks drew in a couple of long, deep breaths as he struggled to control the tangled mess of emotions which were fighting against him every inch of the way. His instincts were screaming at him to leave, to run far away, to do anything so that Kensi wouldn't have to witness his undoing. But with a determined set of his jaw and a straightening of his shoulders, he pushed the words from his mouth.

"And now they're happening during the day," he finished, carefully watching to see how his partner would now react.

"Instead of remembering what happened, you've been reliving it?" she asked evenly.

Deeks nodded warily, unable to account for Kensi's calm demeanour. He'd expected anger, shock, surprise, pity and at the very least a punch to the arm, but not this.

"Has Hetty got you in to see someone?"

"Yeah, this afternoon."

Nodding thoughtfully, her bottom lip momentarily drawn in between her teeth, Kensi looked over at her partner, a small frown creasing her forehead.

"I'm coming with you," she told him firmly, noting the widening of his eyes and pre-emptive opening of his jaw to object. "You're my partner, Deeks. You're my friend, you're my..." Kensi paused as the emotions she had held onto just moments earlier, made a surging attempt at escape. "I've spent the last three months watching you drift further and further away from me and I... I can't do it any more."

Swallowing back down the objections his mind sent immediately to his lips, Deeks couldn't help but stare into Kensi's dark eyes, clearly seeing the entreaty they held within. This was the reason he was stood here, to close the distance between them, and now he could feel the hesitation rise in him. He could hear Sam's words echo loudly in his mind, his advice offered openly and without judgement, his memories shared with nothing other than honesty. Sam hadn't pushed him away or held him at arms length. He'd pulled him closer. And now he needed to do the same with Kensi.

"I'm scared, Kens," he began softly, his hands rising to momentarily cover his face and rub at his eyes. "I'm about to be given another four letters after my name, except I feel like these ones are gonna define me far more than the others from now on. Like perhaps they'll just erase them away forever."

"You're an idiot."

Deeks looked up quickly at Kensi's crisp words, but there wasn't a hint of amusement hidden beneath the pained surface of her features.

"Do you really believe that four letters are all that define you?" she asked, utter incredulity coating each and every word. "You think that's all you are?"

Stunned into a rare silence, Deeks had no immediate answer to his partner's vehement response.

"You are more than just four letters, Marty Deeks. You are _more_ than just LAPD, you are _more _than just NCIS, and you will always, _always _be more than just PTSD." Pause. "You just have to believe it."

"How can you know that?"

"Because I know you."

"Really? Are you sure?" he responded frustratedly to the lack of hesitation and conviction in Kensi's words, to the faith so deeply embedded within them. "Because I look in the mirror some days and _I'm_ not even sure who's looking back. I feel like this is stealing me away piece by piece. Like I'm a footprint on the beach just waiting for one more wave to finish washing me away."

Quickly closing the gap between them, Kensi reached up without thought gently cradling Deeks' face in her hands.

"I won't let it," she whispered, before leaning in fully and pressing her lips lightly to his.

"What was that for?" he asked in equal quiet, their faces remaining only centimetres from each other.

"That is the last thing you gave me before everything... happened," she explained softly. Lowering her hands down the sides of his neck and across his shoulders, Kensi's fingers drew a path the length of Deeks' arms until they were met by the eager grasp of his hands. "It's the piece of you I've been carrying with me, scared to let go of, for three months. And now I'm giving it back. Because I don't want you to forget that you gave it to me."

"I haven't forgotten," he answered, his thumbs tracing idle patterns over hers. "I couldn't. It's just that I kissed you and then everything changed. I changed. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to give you back the old me."

"I don't need the old you," she responded, her dark eyes imploring him to hear her. To really hear her. "I just need _you_."

Deeks breathed deep, trying to keep another swell of emotions from brimming up and over the fragile barrier he had barely managed to construct. Blinking back the sting of fresh tears he leaned closer towards Kensi, brushing his lips against her forehead in the lightest of kisses.

"I need you too," he admitted, emotions gradually seeping into his words once more. "And I'm sorry I pushed you away."

"Then why did you?"

Quiet for a moment as he considered the multitude of explanations he had deemed reasonable at the time, as well as all the ones he still deemed reasonable right then, Deeks stepped away from Kensi once more, taking a few paces about the room before stopping and leaning against the back wall.

"Because I didn't want you to see what was happening to me," he answered after a minute, a frown easing its way into position. "If you could see it then it'd be real, and I...I didn't want it to be real. I wasn't ready for it to be real. _Any _of it." Pause. "Me kissing you included."

Moving over to one of the firing booths Kensi turned and sat against the small bench top it held, trying to take in and understand what Deeks was telling her.

"Why?" she managed in a small voice, her own feelings surfacing with surprising energy.

"I watched him, Kens. I watched what he went through for love," he began unsteadily, the depth of his frown only increasing in his battle for control as memories surged within him. "Sam and I were tortured... because they were trying to get to Michelle." Deeks paused taking another long breath. "You could tell me that what we both went through was all in the name of duty, for king and country, and you'd be right. But in the end, even with the fate of the world at stake, I don't think Sam cared much past trying to keep the mother of his children alive. Because that was the fate of _his_ world."

Quietly watching as his expression changed and softened, the touches of anguish leaving him, Kensi couldn't help but stare in wonder at the depths he seemed to perceive. Fighting the urge to interrupt, to object, to flat out ask him the reasons which he attested to him also going through a lengthy session of brutal torture, she kept quiet trusting that answers would come.

"I think maybe I witnessed his greatest fears in those moments, and I think he got to see mine, because somewhere along the line I realised that his fears were my fears too."

"And what was that?" she asked warily, her gaze holding onto his like a lifeline as he raised his head, pushed back his shoulders and took two paces towards her.

"You were with Michelle," he responded, as if the answer were obvious. "If Sidorov got to her, then he'd get to you."

Kensi swallowed hard, her eyes widening in wonder as she tried to negotiate the maze of thought processes her partner had just taken her along. None of it was straight forward, none of it was black and white, but in amongst all the mess and confusion one thing was clear – his greatest fear had been losing her. And it almost took her breath away.

"But he didn't get to me. It didn't happen," she responded firmly, her fingers reaching up to roughly brush loose strands of her dark hair back behind her ear.

Deeks nodded his agreement. Even in his own head it didn't always make sense, but that didn't stop it from being the truth of what he'd been thinking, or how he'd been feeling. He couldn't explain everything yet, and to do so he knew he'd need some help, but until then he could at least be honest about it to the person who mattered the most to him.

"I think I just reached a point where I could twist it all around with such ease." Deeks paused, pulling his arms about his chest and lowering his gaze to the floor space between them. "Every thought and feeling I ever had for you, every look, every smile, every touch... every serendipitous moment of connection we'd shared suddenly felt like my biggest source of vulnerability. My greatest weakness. As much a cause of what I was going through as the people who were actually putting me through it."

Nodding her head by the smallest amount Kensi found herself surprised at how much she actually understood. She'd been there in her own way. Where hurt and pain caused such deep emotional wounds that you physically recoiled from the emotions which had led you to that point.

"So you shut it all down and you step back," she murmured as her partner lifted his eyes in search of hers and took two more tentative paces towards her. "Because you hope that if you can turn off every emotion then it will protect your heart, and you won't have to feel it any more."

Deeks nodded, taking another step and closing any remaining distance between them.

"But then if you're lucky you have people in your life who remind you that your greatest weakness can also be your greatest strength. And slowly you start to let yourself remember," he told her reaching out and tracing a line with his fingertips across her forehead to her ear. "You remember every look and every smile the way you're supposed to. You remember every touch... with longing, and you remember that in the darkest of moments it was actually what you lived for," he continued as Kensi's fingers laced through his. "You kept me going, Kens. And now I need you to do it again. Can you help me?"

Opening her arms and allowing him to sink into her embrace once more, Kensi felt the gentle press of his lips against her neck before he wrapped his arms about her fully pulling her tight.

"Try and stop me," she murmured into his ear.

Holding onto him with equal strength and want she rested her head against his and felt, for the first time in a long time, as if they were both where they were supposed to be.

Together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, so here it is, the final part of Phoenix. Apologies for not getting this posted sooner, but real life has been a tad on the busy side recently.**

**Many huge thank yous to everyone who has read, alerted and left me the most wonderful reviews. I've been truly amazed by the response.**

**Biggest thanks go to the Mel (aka imahistorian) for so many reasons there isn't room to list, but mostly for just being a fantastic friend when I've needed it most x**

**This might not be what everyone is expecting but, to be honest, I never intended to end this story any differently. I hope you enjoy and many thanks for reading :)**

* * *

A small smile lifted the corners of Sam's mouth as he observed Kensi and Deeks' interaction from his position just outside the armoury door. Having noted the length of time Deeks had been absent from the bullpen after going in search of his partner, Sam's own curiosity had peaked and he'd gone in search of both of them. He'd had no intention of intruding upon a private moment, rather the protective instinct he felt more strongly than ever for them had spurred his need to know they were okay. And pulled into each others firm embrace, it was apparent that they had made the necessary moves in their need for communication. Hit with an unexpected wave of relief Sam took a breath then stepped quietly away from the door. Turning to exit the armoury he really shouldn't have been quite so surprised as he was to find Hetty observing, not just him, but all three of them.

"They needed that," she noted with a purposeful nod of her head, ignoring Sam's mild start at finding her almost directly before him. "It was an important step."

Hazarding a brief glance over his shoulder to where Kensi and Deeks still remained, Sam added a nod of agreement. "You think they'll be okay?"

Hetty smiled affectionately as her own gaze drifted passed Sam to her two junior team members.

"I like to think, Mr Hannah, that with age comes knowledge and perhaps even a touch of wisdom," she answered carefully, her hands clasped firmly in front of her. "Unfortunately it does not come with powers of clairvoyance. So I must confess to having a great deal of hope, rather than an absolute belief, in a positive outcome."

The underlying caution in Hetty's response wasn't something Sam welcomed, the effects of recent events clearly tempering even her drive and optimism. However, he found himself nodding in agreement once more, knowing it would be naïve to think that there were guarantees for such things. Deeks had certainly taken the first steps towards his recovery, but a long road still lay ahead, one which would no doubt be scattered with obstacles that would need to be overcome in their own unique way. The support of his team, of his friends, of this group who cared far more than sometimes they admitted, was vital and Sam was determined they would not fail him.

In some ways the whole team remained locked within a state recovery, their final series of dealings with Isaak Sidorov so brutal and unforgiving in their very nature that each one of them felt a pain and loss tug at them. But if Deeks could recover, if they could help get him through this, then perhaps they could all get through it and allow themselves to collectively heal.

Glancing once more at Deeks and Kensi, their continued interaction and the peace they seemed to have found, Sam couldn't prevent his mind from wondering back to the chaos that had led them to this. To that room; to the screams; to the sound of that damned drill; to the fear that swirled about them like the dankest of mists, unyielding in its hold. Shaking his head in attempt to clear the burst of memories he looked back around into Hetty's warm but pensive gaze.

"Just doesn't seem like a fair deal sometimes," he murmured almost to himself.

"In saving the lives of others we run the risk of losing ourselves?" Hetty questioned, though Sam recognised the rhetorical intention behind it and remained quiet. "You're right, Mr Hanna, it's not fair. This job has the potential to take so much from each of us. Blood, sweat and tears barely scratches the surface of it." Pause. "But it's about the people, not just those we protect and save, but those who stand beside us in our endeavours. They make the sacrifices a little easier to bear, they give them greater purpose. And after a while we find we do this for them as much as for those who don't even know we exist."

Sam nodded solemnly, a frown creasing his brow in a single line. It wasn't that he disagreed with anything Hetty had said, her sentiments held true, it was just that he could feel an internal tug against it.

"I'm not sure Deeks would agree with that right now," he countered softly.

"Oh, I think he'd surprise you," Hetty replied with a small smile. "You and Mr Deeks have come a long way together in the last few months. Don't now base the value of that journey on what was lost, rather than what has been gained along the way."

Sam paused as he considered the older lady's words. Hetty often veiled the truth of her words behind mild riddle, but rarely were they so complex that the person they were intended for couldn't pull them apart with relative ease. This occasion was no different.

"It wish it came from an easier place. I wish it wasn't this hard."

Clasping her hands together and interlocking her fingers, Hetty pointed her joined index fingers at the former SEAL with sharp purpose.

"How long did it take for you to trust, and I mean _really_ trust, Mr Callen?"

Considering his answer carefully Sam pushed his thumbs heavily into the pockets of his jeans before speaking.

"Almost a year."

"Hmm, and this is a man, an experienced agent, whom you spend all day, every day with."

"So you're saying it's me?" Sam sighed.

"No, Mr Hanna, I'm merely saying that we each have our own predetermined measure and value of trust, and it comes to us in it's own time and in it's own way," she emphasised. "For Mr Deeks, much like Mr Callen, trust appears to come far easier, because their lives have taught them to have little expectation of it. But for you, your training as a SEAL has taught you that it is nothing short of an imperative."

Sam remained quiet as Hetty continued, the determination of her words clear in the strength of her tone, though the volume wavered little.

"You and Mr Deeks are extremely different people and although those differences have never stopped you working together as part of an effective team, they have never allowed you to become closer than that. And that's a sad thing because your similarities carry so much more strength than your differences."

"Deeks and I have similarities?"

Hetty smiled at the scepticism she clearly heard, especially as it came with just a hint of what she believed to be hope.

"Ah, Sam, you are two of the most fiercely loyal people I know. You both care deeply for those around you and neither of you are afraid to show it; you share an amazing capacity for empathy and an ability to relate to the people around you; you put the needs of others front and centre, above any needs of your own. Yes, you have many similarities." Pause. "Including the harbouring of unnecessary feelings of guilt."

Releasing a deep sigh, his gaze falling momentarily to his feet, Sam's words were quietly earnest.

"He was there because of me, Hetty."

"He was there because it was his job, Sam," she countered quickly and firmly, a single finger raised and pointed in his direction. "Can you honestly say that you would have reacted any differently if the roles had been reversed?"

"No."

"You've said yourself that trust is often forged in fire and flame," she began, pausing a second to choose the words which would follow.

"Trouble with that is it tends to leave a big pile of ashes behind." Sam injected, unsure of where this was leading.

"Yes, but it is what rises from those very ashes that matters, Mr Hanna. The trust you and Mr Deeks have found and entrusted to each other, even today, is proof of that. You've both allowed a phoenix to rise from those ashes, and I don't doubt it will be strong and powerful and help you both recover from all of this." Pause. "It will help breath new life and faith into all of us."

"You really think so?"

Hetty smiled widely, taking in the unusual sight of Sam lacking in confidence, actually in need of a reassurance she was more than happy to provide.

"Oh, Mr Hanna, of that one I am pretty much certain."

**THE END**


End file.
